Cultivating Kindness from the Inside Out

I have a fierce inner critic who has shadowed me most of my life. While she still hovers, bit by bit she is relaxing her grip. That’s in large part due to finding Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion. Whether your inner critic is as vocal as mine or not, self-compassion is a great practice for integrating all of those naturally imperfect aspects of ourselves and for cultivating sacred kindness from the inside out. This article, based on Neff’s work, was adapted from “Self-Compassion,” part of our free, downloadable Conversations About Compassion guide.

Self esteem vs. self-compassion

I grew up in a time when self-esteem, not self-compassion, was a sought after quality. Although a dictionary definition of self-esteem describes it as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself,” in Western culture it is often based on a comparison of self to others and tethered to our successes and failures—rising and falling with our latest accomplishment, acquisition, or mistake.

According to a Duke and Wake Forest University study, self-compassion involves recognizing your own suffering. It is about feeling moved to respond to it with kindness, understanding that you are not suffering in isolation, and cultivating a practice of sacred-led mindfulness. According to Neff, “Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”

We’re Interdependent

Self-compassion does not depend on seeing ourselves as different from others. It depends on seeing our interdependence, our shared humanity, and our fragility and imperfections. We progress in life through both success and failure. Self-compassion provides a soft place to land when we fall, as we inevitably do.

We’re All Imperfect

Self-compassion puts our failures in perspective. We're all imperfect and bound to make mistakes or face misfortune. Imperfection is simply a given, a part of our makeup. In a framework of self-compassion rather than self-esteem, it is easier to accept our imperfections and be kind to ourselves in good times and bad.

We’re Mindful

Mindfulness, the third element of self-compassion, can be an antidote for harsh self-criticism. Practicing mindfulness can help us disengage from an emotional response to an event. It can reduce our self-criticism and painful emotions, allowing us to navigate challenges with greater equanimity and perspective.

It Starts in Ourselves

Cultivating self-compassion has helped me tame my inner critic (though it certainly still arises). What's more, research shows that people with more self-compassion have less anxiety and depression. They also have more strengths and positive emotions, a better ability to forgive, and can navigate tough life events.

Self-compassion isn’t subject to the winds of fortune or misfortune. It encompasses and allows both, providing a ballast to stabilize the ups and downs of life. Self-compassion nurtures human possibility. It does so by allowing our imperfections and acknowledging we’re worthy and lovable.

Roselle Kovitz, a member of Fetzer’s social media team, lives in Seattle.